That Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we consider the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. From awkward sequels to bafflingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that left us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final series started, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator declared this would be the final season. It concluded on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans undeniably found joy dissecting every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the smallest of this show's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star review, it was hard to know where to start listing the flaws. The hilariously leaden writing? The mind-numbing veneration of affluence and consumption? The almost deliberate procession of tropes? Performances so bad they felt borderline malicious? Let’s just say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. However, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and fatherly failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but dismissive egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy characters meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.
Actually, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to accommodate unconvincing dialects. But there were many other problems. Primarily that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various cockney rogues which felt rather simplistic.
With Love, Meghan
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into quaint lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you view them and are compelled to concede that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine animated; a poster for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark platitudes and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are obviously fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with vocation, self-image, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series opted not to explore them. Instead, the experience was like consuming a sales brochure. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even camper, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality managing her inheritance. What more could you want? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up smelling of a production that was straining desperately to emulate something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How does one follow a show that captured a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity friends involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of talented younger comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known irate mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lurching from strangely jaunty, somewhat stylised farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a discovery that could destabilise society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and absolutely no critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.